25 things you learn when you are on an all-inclusive family beach holiday

August 29, 2017August 29, 2017 | blueskygirlie

I havent been on a package/beach holiday for some time and this year was our first ever resort holiday abroad as a blended family and the first time we had visited an all-inclusive resort. Holidays abroad are expensive (stop hiking up the price in the school holidays holiday companies, its so unfair) and can be stressful but its also a unique time where you dont have to ‘do’ anything if you dont want to and the usual chains of being an adult are removed.

So what did I learn during 11days of resort living?

1) Yes, it can be expensive but once you’re there that wont bother you – in fact you’ll probably start planning your trip for next year. I’ve got to be honest, paying for this trip hurt a bit (I’m notoriously stingy LOL) but once we were there and I saw how happy everyone was, all I could think about was how it was SO worth it and I wanted every summer to be like this from now on.

2) Before you leave you will probably worry a bit about wearing swimwear but after a few days of seeing real people, rather than airbrushed magazine shots or Facetuned Instagrams you will not give a damn! Embrace that body – its the only one you have and its beautiful because it’s unique and it’s yours!

3) Your holiday doesnt start till someone gets stung by a wasp (me, day 5)

4) As Baz Luhrmann famously said – use sunscreen. Take loads – you always use more than you think you will. We were doing really well, had one off day when it was cloudy and then really had to pay for it via copious applications of after-sun and anti-hystermine. Slight parenting fail! Its also worth considering using rash vests/sun suits – I bought some cheap ones for our 3 boys from Sports Direct and they were brilliant – especially for our sun-adverse red-head.

5) It might come as a surprise but a £10 pool inflatable can make a child more happy than a £400 games console ever will…

6) All-inclusive food and drink brings out the gluttony in human beings – be better than that. Anyone that goes up for thirds at dinner with 3 bread rolls under their arm and their eye in the dessert bar needs to have a word with themselves!!! I will miss that choice of every breakfast food imaginable each day though…

7) By halfway through the holiday you’ll know all the words & dance movements to the resorts chosen theme song with your kids begging for the resorts overpriced disco CD (just say no – if they are really desperate for a song, Shazam it and then buy it as a download when you get home – they’ll of forgotten by then anyway)

8) Pool sliders may look ugly but they will save your life (and soles of your feet)

9) Foreign crisps are better than UK crisps. End of. And in HUGE bags!

10) Palm trees are the best trees

11) Bring at least of 2 of everything for your kids that goes near water. Swimshorts, towels, caps etc. – that way you have time every day to dry or wash through the day befores clothing.

12) If you want to dress up, do it. If you want to relax and dress down, do that. This is your holiday. I love to dress up and use Instagram, so was never gonna miss the chance of creating fashion looks using some fab backgrounds…

(look out for a separate blog featuring what I wore)

13) Exercising on holiday is fun! Yes – we are that couple…We always fit in some form of exercise while away, and found that because we had more time for it, it felt easier and less of a chore. Running is easy to fit into a day and needed minimal extra stuff packed. An added bonus – it takes a long time to form a habit, especially if that habit is regular exercise – so if you can keep up some of the momentum while you are away, it’s much easier to get into it again when you get back.

14) As a mum in particular, it can be hard to give yourself permission to relax – but you need to do it. I’d say it took me 3-4 days to properly relax…Use whatever you need to – a good book, headphones playing your favourite music, romantic walks or a nice cocktail. No guilt allowed – youre on holiday!

15) Holidays have the ability to bring siblings together in a way that nothing else can. You will get those ‘melt your heart’ moments when you least expect it…cherish them.

16) A kids disco at any other time might seem like hell but seeing your child experience entertainment purely for them, and seeing them dancing/singing/playing games on stage (if your child is anything like mine) is just the most wonderful thing.

17) In an all-inclusive resort, order the maximum amount of drinks allowed each time you visit the bar that you can. This is not being greedy, it just means you won’t have to keep queueing up (and those queues can be LONG!)

18) Reading an actual book is wonderful. I read two that I had been meaning to read for ages and just hadnt had the time and felt so satisfied.

19) Entertainment staff are all the most beautiful people on the planet and will make you feel totally ugly in comparison but remember the rest of the guests in the complex will remind you that people come in all shapes and sizes!

20) A great view can lift your soul

21) If youve got kids under 12 bring a bottle of Capol or Inbruprofen plus some anti-hystermine. We needed medicine for 2 out of our 3 children during our 11 days away.

22) Beaches look great in an Instagram shot but are really hard work especially with kids coming back with sand in areas you didnt even know they had. However theres just something about them that makes it worthwhile – for our boys it was when they found out there was free wifi (we banned them for going online at out hotel) and for me nothing beats the sound of the waves lapping. Talc helps remove the sand and make sure you utilise the beach showers.

23) If youre anything like me and spend all your time checking everyone has remembered everything, you will probably end up losing your own stuff, most likely your sunglasses. Pack a few pairs of cheap ones – I kept mine safe till the last day and was feeling smug and then lost them going through Spainish security on the way home. Primark is great for cheap but stylish pairs.

24) Dont forget those chargers and travel plugs. We didnt allow much screen time but trying to keep our own phones, plus ipods, cameras, portable chargers and tablets charged was quite a challenge.

25) Travelling abroad with young children can have its stressful moments but the joy it brings both them and you makes the best memories, ones that will stay with them forever. Giving yourself permission to relax is a huge step in self love and the moments it creates are priceless. There really is nothing like it.

So kiss your kids, snog your partner and most importantly, love yourself xx

I’ve set up a direct debit and am ready to start saving for next year – after all, taking holidays are one of the reasons we work so hard the rest of the year! Its only money, right?!?

We travelled to the island of Majorca in the Spainish Baleric Islands with LoveHolidays.com.

#AD Midweek Meal Inspiration with Capsicana

August 23, 2017June 28, 2019 | blueskygirlie

Last week I was lucky enough to be sent some new cooking sauces to try out by Latin food experts Capsicana as part of their #CapsiCarnival event. Capsicana is an authentic Latin American cooking sauce range, inspired by real Latin American dishes such as Mojo sauce from Cuba, Aji Verde sauce from Peru and Moqueca from Brazil. Bursting with real authentic ingredients from the region they also contain no artificial colourings or flavourings, are suitable for vegetarians, gluten free and only use non GM ingredients too.

For our first use we went for the Mexican Chilli & Honey sauce. This is a sauce based on ‘Puerco al horno con salsa de chile ancho y miel’, a classic Mexican dish. To recreate it, Capsicana use Mexican-grown chipotle & ancho poblano chilli peppers as well as honey, which has featured in the country’s food since Mayan times. The Mayans believed that a native stingless bee had been given to them by one of their gods and that it was a link to the spirit world – honey has been integral to Mexican cooking ever since. Its a medium level heat so I thought was a good place to start!

Following the receipe on the packet (I love a bit of receipe inspiration) we needed fresh chicken breasts, some peppers and an onion to create our feast. Its a lovely thick sauce which smells delicious the minute you open it and theres lots in a pack. One pack = two servings and its definitely enough for two hungry people.

Once the chicken was done, we chose to serve it with sautéd potatoes and a fresh salad and I have to say it was delicious! The sauce has a deep, rich flavour and a good heat to it without being too overwhelming. It is measured as medium heat which I’d say is about right. The sweetness of the honey isnt sickly, in fact it balances out the chillis really well and I found it a really delicious and easy to use cooking sauce.

Overall, I really liked this sauce, its consistency, pack size and flavour and it created a quick and easy dinner for two which as a busy person, I liked even more.

But best of all? I’ve still got three more sauces to try yet…

Capiscana quick cook sauces are available in Sainsburys and Waitrose priced at £1.99 each.

For more information and recipe ideas visit http://www.capsicana.co.uk

*I was gifted this product but all views stated are my own. For more information please see my disclaimer section.

July Favourites

August 4, 2017August 5, 2017 | blueskygirlie

July has now come to an end…want to know what I fell in love with, bought and found so far this summer?

Of course you do!!!

Jumpsuits
I have worn a lot of jumpsuits so far this summer. Being 5’2″ I often have to have them shortened but its definitely worth it. I find them really flattering for my curvy figure and like dresses they are simple – they are all you need for a complete outfit.

Tassel earrings
Tassel earrings have been everywhere this summer and they are a great statement piece. I have bought them from all kinds of places the cheapest being shipped from China via ebay for less than £2.50. My favourites have to be the now iconic H&M ones – I have them in a few colours and they make any outfit feel special. They are just £8.99 a pair so if you see them in store grab a pair!

Coconut hair products
I love the smell & taste of coconut and have fallen in love with these hair products. The Inecto Naturals range is a low price but extremely good organic coconut oil based range and if you have hair that needs taming it is AMAZING! I also struggle with shampoos making my thick, wavy hair fluffy and unmanageable but since moving on to a low shampoo (find the review here) have found my hair much better. The new Garnier Ultimate Blends are silicon and paraben free and although don’t foam up as much as some shampoos (don’t be fooled, the foaming does little to actually clean your hair) have made my hair feel soft, managable and smelling great. They will now be a regulars on my bathroom shelf.

Basket bags
Summer means the beach and hopefully a holiday and I always find I start to use different bags day to day once the sun comes out as well as packing one for my holiday. These type of bags make you feel so summery, don’t cost that much and I managed to buy 3 this month!

HEMA
HEMA is a company I have only just discovered. Originally from the Netherlands, its a Tiger/Ikea/Paperchase hybrid and as well as all the cute homewares, stationery and food it has a really amazing make-up range! I bought a fab orange/red lipstick and lipliner for under £6 for the 2 and I havent stopped wearing them! The beauty range is huge, is great quality and very well priced. Currently mainly located in London main train stations go check them out if you’re travelling anywhere.

Primark £4 cross-over sandal
Sometimes you find something simple yet stylish that you just love. My advice? If it comes in other colours buy them…you’ll regret it later if you dont. These sandals by Primark have been a fabulous find for this summer and now I have them in 4 colours – and at just £4 a pair you can afford to buy multiple pairs.

Pineapples
OK its bordering on an obsession, but theres just something about a pineapple design that makes me so happy. I love to eat them, look at them, wear them and have them around me! The homewates were bargains from Asda and Aldi, the necklace was from Peacocks and the shirt was from one of my favourite stores, Zara.

Garnier Micellar Cleansing Water
This stuff is the bomb! You can cleanse your face plus remove any make-up (inc eye make-up) and it softens your skin too. Micellar water is made up of micelles (tiny balls of cleansing oil molecules) suspended in soft water. The idea is that micelles are attracted to dirt and oil, so they are able to draw out impurities without drying out the skin, therefore, it can be used as a facial wash, makeup remover and moisturiser all in one. It looks like water but when you put it on your finger and feel, it has a different texture than water – I just love it!

Slogans
I do love a cheeky slogan and couldn’t resist this sun hat from Tu at Sainsburys and these adorable pumps from H&M. Both were under £10 too…

I’m off on my holidays now and I’m sure you’ll see a few of these pieces popping up in my Instagram photos. Finding things you love brings you joy…simple as!

Enjoy the rest of the summer xx

#AD Epibrow Brow Design & Ultimate Lash Serums

July 24, 2017June 28, 2019 | blueskygirlie

I was recently sent two really interesting products from beauty experts Epibrow International to try. They are products that aim to make your brows and lashes fuller and thicker using some advanced professional beauty science rather than be a cosmetic fix.

So what were my brows and lashes like before?

Well the quick answer is, not good. My eyebrows are sparse due to over plucking (Thanks to Madonna’s Erotica look in the early ninenties mainly) and my eye-lashes are dark but short and dont really show unless I wear mascara, which I dont like to wear apart from on full make-up days. So basically anything that might help them I am interested in.

The products themselves – at £55 each these products arent cheap. So what do you get for your money?

Epibrow Brow Design Serum – what does the packing say?

THE ULTIMATE EYEBROW SERUM FROM THE EPIBROW EXPERTS – Get the beautiful, bold brows of your favourite supermodels with this eyebrow enhancing serum.

ADVANCED FORMULA – The fast-working formula contains ingredients such as iron and vitamin B, which are essential nutrients for hair growth.
NATURALLY THICKER & FULLER EYEBROWS – Key ingredients help speed up the natural growth process and give your brows a thicker, fuller shape.
EASY TO USE – For best results that can also make your brows look darker, use this advanced serum treatment once a day on clean, dry skin while massaging the area to boost blood circulation.
EXTENDS THE ANAGEN STAGE – Keeps the hair in its growing ‘anagen stage’ for a longer period of time, so you get full and maximum growth

Buy it here.

Epibrow Ultimate Lash – what does the packaging say?DREAM LASHES – Wake up to lashes of your dreams with this overnight treatment.

ADVANCED GROWTH INGREDIENTS – Formulated with essential minerals and polypeptides, this easy to use serum is applied along the base of the lash line (upper and/or lower lash line) before bed.
SIMPLE TO USE – Repeat every night for 4 weeks and over this time the nourishing formula gets to work, feeding the hair follicles and leaving you with thicker, fuller, longer and stronger lashes.
EFFECTIVE ALTERNATIVE TO EXTENSIONS – For long term results that offer a highly-effective alternative to extensions, wait 4 weeks between treatments then repeat.
EXTENDS THE ANAGEN STAGE – Keeps the hair in its growing ‘anagen stage’ for a longer period of time, so you get full and maximum growth.

Buy it here

Ok, sounds interesting! But does it work?

I used both serums regularly each evening for about a month. I found both easy to apply and neither irritated my skin or eyes. The brow serum has a very distinct and strong smell to it (a kind of menthol aroma) so I would suggest only using it once you’re sure your going to sleep as it is VERY noticable.

I first noticed my eyebrows thickening by the amount of make-up I was using. Instead of filling in my brows quite considerably with eyebrow pencil I was just having to add a few strokes. Small but noticeable new hairs had started to appear too and by week 3 I has having to neaten up my brows with tweezers.

(I obviously have make-up on in these 2 photos but I can still see a real difference)

My eyelashes looked longer and when I put mascara on, my bottom lashes in particular looked a lot longer. I also noticed less eyelashes ‘shed’ during the period I was using the serum.

At the end of a month using these products I can definitely confirm they make a difference. My lashes are thicker and particularly my lower lashes are longer. My brows have thickened up, some new hairs have grown and I am using a lot less eyebrow pencil on them.

These products are not cheap but used regularly definitely can make a real difference and a little goes a long way. I am definitely going to continue to use them and look forward to seeing continued results.

Ultimate Lash / £55*, Brow Design Serum / £55* – Epibrow International via Amazon

*I was gifted these products but all views stated are my own. For more information please see my disclaimer section.

Palm Power

June 8, 2017June 8, 2017 | blueskygirlie

As it is now summer (hoorah!) its time to embrace all those colours and prints you wouldn’t normally wear any other time of the year. There’s something about a tropical print that always feels really summery and I am quite the slave to the palm print in both fashion and home.

So when this little gem caught my eye in the TU clothing department in Sainburys for just £20 I thought it was a really wearable summer staple and snapped one up.

It is described as a jumpsuit but I would describe it more as a culotte dress. I’m 5’2″ and its length sits like a midi dress on me. It is a fitted shape with square neckline and short sleeves and zips up the back and for those who hate summer and the nightmare that is thigh rub this is the perfect solution! Overall the shape is very retro and flattering and the wide cullottes balance out the fitted top perfectly.

I co-ordinated my new buy with some amazing OTT palm leaf acrylic earrings I got from New Look many years ago because, well, I love a Palm! I always wear these earrings in the summer and they have been a great buy.The tie waist adds an extra flattering element meaning you can pull the waist in if you wanted a looser fit (I chose to wear mine quite fitted) and the fabric has some stretch to it as well as being a vibrant mix of greens, black and beige highlights. I feel really great wearing this, have so far worn it to the office and can’t wait to wear it on holiday too.

Its available in store now but will sell out fast so grab one while you can!

Culotte Jumpsuit / TU at Sainsburys
Sandals / Primark (past season)
Earrings / New Look (past season)

#AD Skin Chemists Rose Quartz range

June 8, 2017June 28, 2019 | blueskygirlie

Pink. You’ve gotta love it. And when I see a pink product my eyes go all 😍. A little while back I tried out Skin Chemists Rose Quartz facial oil (find the review here) and really liked it. When the team sent me four more products from the range for Rose Quartz month I couldnt wait to try them out.

So what is Rose Quartz? Used holistically for hundreds of years, Rose Quartz is revered for its healing and comforting properties. The stone of unconditional love, it aims to prevent impurities and dead skin cells settling on the skin, to reveal soft, fresh and youthful skin.

Todays blog is a review of the Hydrating & Illuminating Day Moisturiser, which for me is probably the easiest way to start using the range…

According to Skin Chemists, the Rose Quartz Hydrating & Illuminating day moisturiser is formulated with nourishing and hydrating actives, to smooth, illuminate and refine the skin while protecting against daily environmental damage.

A product to be used first thing in the morning as part of your skincare routine, I found it to be very easy to use, easily absorbed into the skin and with a really lovely fresh floral fragrance…it really does make you feel all rosy! As with all the Rose Quartz range it quickly made my skin feel very soft and smooth to the touch and definitely plumped and nourished the drier areas of my skin.

The main active ingredients in the formulation are:

1) Alpine Rose Stem Cells – to repair the skin after daily exposure to harsh environmental aggressors and boost skin regeneration,

2) Vitamin E – to work as an anti-oxidant and anti-inflammatory to soothe and repair the skin,

3) Rose Otto Oil – to restore moisture balance in the skin. Its anti-bacterial and anti-oxidant properties aim to repair and protect the skin, whilst firming and toning.

As ever with the Skin Chemists range I found the packaging visually appealing (its that love of pink thing again!) and the pump-action dispenser very efficient to use. The main things I liked about the product was its lovely fragrance as well the very soft feeling it gave my skin. Did it make my fine lines disappear? A little maybe, but it definitely gave me a lovely illuminated glow and really softened my skin and I think that is due to the formulas promise of removing dead skin cells and as a beauty product fan I’m happy with that.

Skin Chemists have been incredibly generous in giving readers of my blog the code SARAH1 for an amazing discount of over £50 off the RRP of £74.90 plus free shipping throughout June – at that price you can’t go wrong! Buy Rose Quartz Hydrating & Illuminating Day Moisturiser here.

I have also been testing the Age Defense Night Moisturiser, the Radiance Enhancing Eye Serum and the Youth Defence Lip Plump. Want to know what I thought?

Age Defence Night Moisturiser – this ultra-smooth moisturiser is designed to give the skin an extra boost while you sleep, resulting in a vibrant and healthy looking glow. My verdict: I found this a great feed for my face plus I found the scent very relaxing and helped me drift off to sleep.

Radiance Enhancing Eye Serum – this light serum is designed to visibly lift tired skin and brighten dark under eye circles. An irridescent pink formulation, light-reflective crystals work to illuminate the skin, boosting radiance and softening the appearance of blemishes and flaws. My verdict: I loved this sparkly serum and its light reflecting glow…

Youth Defence Lip Plump – bursting with active ingredients, the formula aims to plump and nourish lips, resulting in a more supple and hydrated appearance. It aims to visibly improve the shape, texture and volume of your lips. My verdict: after getting used to the minty cold feeling I liked this as an occasional use product to create a more pouty lip look.

Find the full Skin Chemist range here.

Remember if you want to try anything reviewed in this blog, use the code SARAH1 to purchase it for 60-70% off the RRP throughout June. Give it a go…what have you got to lose?

*I was gifted these products but all views stated are my own. For more information please see my disclaimer section.

#AD Skin Chemists Advanced Snail Duo Moisturiser

May 22, 2017June 28, 2019 | blueskygirlie

As you may know I am a Skin Chemists ambassador and I love to try their new (and always innovative) products. The first product I ever tried from their brand was their Advanced Snail Eye Serum (find the original blog here) and although initially I was a little squeamish about using a beauty product with snail secretions in it, I was really impressed with its effects.

This month I am trying another product from the snail range – Advanced Snail Duo Moisturiser.

Skin Chemists says Snail Duo Moisturiser is formulated using a range of regenerating and nourishing actives to help repair the skin from daily damage, whilst protecting against future environmental stress and leaving a mattified finish. The main active ingredients include:

Snail Secretion – derived from the natural defensive liquid secreted by snails aims to delay premature ageing of the skin, whilst reducing visible age spots and providing protection from free radical damage.

Tiare Flower Extract is combined with light and silky coconut oil, working to hydrate, repair, soothe and purify the skin.

Vitamin E Acetate aims to leave the skin moisturised, whilst providing further protection against skin damage from environmental aggressors.

Creatine works to imitate an amino acid found naturally within the skin, it aims to revitalise cell energy metabolism, whilst hydrating and protecting the skin.

It’s worth doing a patch test if youre concerned you might be allergic to any of these ingredients. I did notice a very slight tingling feeling when I first started using it and although I didn’t have any type of reaction, I feel if someone had more sensitive skin it might be worth it.

Also if youre a bit worried about the whole ‘how do you get this from a snail’ part (which is quite understandable) be assured Skin Chemists are a cruelty free company and only use sustainable methods to extract snail secretion at no harm to the snail. Afterwards the snail is returned healthy to its breeding place – yay!

This product is easy to use in its pump action dispenser and smooths over the skin effortlessly, leaving a slight tackiness that sets quickly – you can even put make-up on over the top too if you use it in the morning which is great. On first use, what I noticed most was how a small amount plumped my skin almost immediately with a slight tingling feeling and after a few weeks of use my skin feels firmer, fine lines seem less and my skins imperfections have been reduced without making my skin greasy.

Marble effect trays / H&M Home
Sunglasses / Depop
Sunglasses case /Primark
Earrings /Dorothy Perkins
Brooch / New Look
Eye Shadow / L’oreal

All in all this is another great product from Skin Chemists – I will be using the Duo Moisturiser with the Advanced Snail Eye Serum for a maximised effect and hope the reducing of my fine lines will continue! Oh and for anyone worrying it smells lovely too…

Buy Advanced Snail Duo Moisturiser here.

Truly innovative products are rarely cheap, with this product retailing at £99.90, but Skin Chemists have been incredibly generous in giving readers of my blog the code SARAH1 for a whopping 80% off (making it just £19.99) throughout May. Give it a go…what have you got to lose?

*I was gifted this product but all views stated are my own. For more information please see my disclaimer section.

The thing I fell in love with this week

May 17, 2017May 17, 2017 | blueskygirlie

H&M ❤ Coachella star earrings / £6.99

I love stars. Simple as. Oh and I love H&M. So when I saw these earring I just had to have them! Statement earrings are back in fashion and these chandelier style earring definitely do that. They are lightweight and have a mix of black, glittery midnight blue and lilac in them which pretty much works with most outfits.

And finally the price – at only £6.99 they are an absolutely bargain. I have worn mine with my simplest outfits and they really take the outfit to another level. Grab a pair now before they sell out!

Available in store now – £6.99

Me, my mental health and I…

May 11, 2017May 11, 2017 | blueskygirlie

Ostensibly this is a style blog – something to help you look and feel good, but in my experience neither is possible if you are not mentally healthy. This week is Mental Health week, an awareness week supporting people to open up about mental health, fight some of the stigmas associated with talking about mental health problems and to seek help if it is required. This years theme is to ask ourselves if we are ‘Surviving or Thriving?’ and seeing that a mental health problem will affect 1 in 5 of us in our lifetime, this week seemed a good week to share a personal essay about my own journey with my mental health…

I was always a happy child but an anxious one – I was the oldest and an overachiever from the minute I could talk. I think anxiety is born into you – maybe even an inherited trait, as I remember worrying about lots of things as a child and already having a sense of wanting to be perfect. Nowadays theres is lots of talk about safeguarding children’s mental health but in the 70’s and 80’s that kind of thing was practically non-existent, however there was also not as much pressure on kids at an early age like there is now. For some reason though I put pressure on myself. I remember getting ‘nerves’ and being ill when worried (about a big event or test for example), getting headaches, being sick or having stomach problems – all classic signs of an anxiety disorder. By the time I was a teenager and was at a high pressure girls-only grammar school, this anxiety was exhibiting almost every day. Did I get help? God no, I just hid it…I hid it really, really well and so began a pattern of behavior that I followed for most of the rest of my adult life.

Hiding a mental illness is not uncommon. Why do we do it? Well mainly its the stigma of saying you are ill, but not properly ill, just ill in the head. This is a totally ridiculous view of course but this is how you feel – people tell you to ‘pull yourself together’ or imply you’re making a fuss about nothing. Feelings of shame overwhelmed me and I became very good at hiding my issues. By the time I was 16 eating disorders were common at my all girls school and something that the girls there encouraged each other to have. Having already developed an unhealthy relationship with food I was overweight so opted for Bulimia – it really was that simple. I first foray into a proper mental illness – I crashed dieted then binged and purged… I lost weight and everyone praised me and told me how good I looked. It was a strange irony, I was ill on the inside but deemed as looking great on the outside. My periods stopped, the enamel started to come off my back teeth, I had a scar in my hand from making myself sick and when my parents at their wit’s end called out the doctor and I started to realise I couldn’t live like this – I was eating ice cream for breakfast and then not drinking a Diet Tango because it had 3kcals in it rather than Diet Cokes 1kcal. Ultimately as a form of self-preservation I came to my senses and stopped the purging…it really is the most awful, destructive, disgusting illness but my issues with not feeling good enough, being anxious and my warped self-image never really went away.

After I left school I started working as a window dresser in London in a creative whirlwind of fun, partying and no real responsibilities. It was the early 90’s and we were fuelled by alcohol, ecstasy and the energy of youth. Ironically even with all this hedonism they were some of the happiest and least anxious years of my life – but then earning decent money and living at home, real life hadn’t really begun for me yet…its like I was playing at being a grown-up, but we all know those days cannot last. And they didn’t – by the time I was 21 life suddenly got very dark.

When I had my first panic attack I honestly thought I was dying. I had experienced the sudden death of someone very close to me and was deep in the confusion of grief, loss and utter devastation. There was help around me – my worried parents paid for private counselling, my GP offered me Prozac and Valium and friends rallied round me but I just wasnt ready to help myself. As I limped out of this terrible experience my anxiety gripped hold of me as it did again 3 years later when my father died suddenly and I headed through my 20’s and then into my 30’s suffering from different types of anxiety disorders. My reliance on food as a comfort continued too and my weight ballooned leaving me morbidly obese by the time I was 30. My mental health was all over the place – I gained and lost the same 3 stone at least 3 times each time not being able to keep myself on a steady path. I also became better and better at hiding the cracks in my mental health – I was always bubbly and confident, well presented, I held down a good job, was in a long-term relationship and created a beautiful home but on the inside I was fighting myself…and my panic all the time.

At 33 I had my son. I desperately wanted a child and when he was born he was just perfect and I instantly fell in love. I was lucky, unlike many other mothers I didn’t suffer from post natal depression and recovered quickly from the birth. Having my son made me, probably for the first time in my life, put someone else first. He changed everything, because although I still worried (mainly about him) I couldn’t focus on myself all the time, over-thinking and obsessing, and slowly my anxiety started to dissipate. Back at work full-time with my husband staying home to look after our son I decided I wanted to start to take the control back in my life. Within a year or so, I had achieved everything I set out to do but something didn’t feel right and my old enemy, anxiety started to rear its ugly head again. Migraines, sudden sickness and panic attacks become a regular occurrence but you would never of known it. I knew in the back of my mind what was wrong but decided it was better to ignore it. It’s amazing how long you can ignore your own problems but ultimately in the end you realise it is killing you slowly and by the end of my thirties I realised I was wasting my life – I felt like a zombie. After much soul-searching, in quick succession I left my husband (it had been an unhappy and unhealthy relationship for some time), I took redundancy from my senior creative role and sold my house, downsizing my lifestyle considerably. I totally changed my life.

As I entered the most stressful stage of my life I had experienced so far, at the beginning panic gripped me everyday but I fought it and the mere fact I was creating positive change made it easier and easier to control. I removed toxic people from my life, simplified how I lived and I started exercising at the age of 40. Exercising has completely changed my mental health. Gone are the panic attacks, I still get anxious about things, sure, but exercising seems to quell my demons, helps me think and fills me with endorphins. After building up my fitness using the app C25K I now run 5k three times a week every week. I have a very loving, supportive new partner, a great work/life balance and finally the understanding that I must be proactive and responsible for my own mental health. No-one else can do this for me – I wanted to change my life so I did. It wasnt easy but it was worth it.

I now know the warning signs when things are getting too much and I speak freely to the people around me about how I am feeling. If I’m getting stressed I tell my loved ones and seek their support. I refuse to be ashamed anymore – my anxiety disorder is just as much part of me as my green eyes are, but I will not let it own me. I control my life, I control my health and I control my happiness. I have made a conscious choice to be happy and I can say I am happy in my life now – truly happy. However there is no real end to this story – I will live with my anxieties in some shape or form for the rest of my life but I will not be beaten by them.

Find more about Mental Health week here and find links to my other blogs on my mental health below, I hope you find some things in them that are useful –

My weight
My self esteem
Exercise
Being called ‘fat’

If you need help speak to someone – a friend, family member, your doctor or call one of the many helplines available. You are not alone.