The Strange Case of Self Doubt & the Confident Girl

January 13, 2017January 18, 2017 | blueskygirlie

Have you been watching the new series of Sherlock on the BBC? Well I’ve got a case for you to investigate mystery lovers…

This is me: at 43, I’ve studied hard, I have been travelling, I’ve worked at some of the best places in my profession; I have been married, I’ve been divorced, I’ve done it alone, I’ve created a blended family a fantastic new partner; I’ve forged a great career (although its now taking a backseat while I do the whole primary school thing), I’ve owned my own business; am a mother and step mother, bought and sold houses, chose to change my life and drop 6 dress sizes and generally aim to embrace life and all it offers. I travel, love having new experiences, care deeply for those I love and am always the life and soul of any party.

But I am still wracked with that pointless emotion…self doubt.

Maybe you suffer from it too? Its definition is this –

SELF DOUBT [self-dout] noun

lack of confidence in the reliability of one’s own motives, personality, thought, etc.

It is a strange thing to be seen as so confident and bubbly by everybody, as they seem to think you are never not confident as if you are a non-stop fun machine. I myself am a person of extremes – put me in front of a crowd and ask me to perform and I am in my element, but looking at a person on Facebook who has ignored my friend request will reduce me into a state over-thinking.

“They must hate me” I think.

“Maybe I’ve done something to upset them?” I ponder.

Is it because I’m too loud / odd / fat / fit / obsessive / dreamy / pretty / ugly / bullish / fussy / common / snobby / ethnic / funny / miserable ? etc etc – delete as necessary.
I have always been a worrier. I will worry about anything and everything and again those niggling little thoughts can creep in – the ‘what ifs’… Suffering from any form of anxiety can be crippling at times but I believe telling people about it is half the battle, particularly if you’re good at hiding it. In my 30’s I suffered quite badly with anxiety and panic but ultimately I had to acknowledge that the only thing holding me back from living the life I wanted was me. It was a watershed moment and I changed my life – big time…but thats for another blog. I still get anxious about things of course but I do not and will not let it control me. (as an aside I’ve found regular exercise key in making this change to my mental health)

Being a mum can make self doubt rear its ugly head far too often too. “Am I doing the best I can?” I ask myself as I rush from work, via the school run to after-school swimming then rewarding my son with dinner out as a reward as he passes into the next swim group. Of course I am, but its easy to look at people around me particularly via the rose-tinted glasses of social media and think – “Wow they’ve got it all under control…activities every night after school and perfect children, maybe we should start violin lessons and I should stop letting the kids go on the computer so much”. However once you start comparing your life to others lives you will never stop…and probably total madness would follow!!! My mantra is now “I am doing the best I can and I am good enough.”

Ah social media. As someone who works in marketing and uses it everyday in my role, I can see the good it can create but I also think social media is a particular issue our parents did not have to deal with; whether its the Facebook show offs, the people trying to tell you how to parent or the general taboo of admiting that sometimes life and motherhood is really bloody hard, I’m learning to take it all with a pinch of salt and remember… however much it is presented as reality it is not actually real life!

I was recently picked for a fabulous opportunity – to film an advert for Garnier Olia hair dye and be the face of their Intense Red shade 6.60 for 2017. All the attention, praise and compliments was really quite humbling and its really nice to see yourself through other peoples eyes…in fact it is quite amazing. Not only was I feeling good about how I looked, I was suddenly being told how well I had done, how proud I should be of myself, and you know what, the more they said it the easier it was to feel it.

I compliment people all the time but find it hard sometimes to accept a compliment or praise graciously, as if I am embarassed by the fuss. I wonder why that is, why it feels like showing off when it is, in fact, just being proud? It is one of my proudest moments so far and has definitely helped me stop telling myself “you can do better!” quite so much!

Being in a TV advert definitely helps you get used to really focusing on how you look which is usually the time when that self doubt can creep back in for me. When you photograph yourself all the time for your blog it seems strange to say you suffer from worrying about how you look, after all how I look is a big part of the blog. It is a ‘chicken and egg’ situation as one of the reasons I started blogging was to help my self esteem and it has been very good at helping that – generally people are very kind and supportive and I have not come across many trolls. But do I look in the mirror and love what I see? Well lets just say I am working on it…

So what has this bubbly, mainly extravert; worrying, sometimes introvert actually learnt? I have realised I am far too hard on myself and really need to give myself a break – we all do. We were the generation that was told we could ‘have it all’, but that is pretty much impossible. We must make our choices and pick our battles and celebrate each success however small. It is ok to not get everything right, in fact to learn and develop it is a very necessary thing. The key for me is to keep trying, to never give up and to try and be the best version of me I can be.

So I continue on my lifes journey trying as best I can to banish this pointless, undermining emotion and remember the amazing journey I have taken to get here – to this exact point, with all its ups and downs, its failures but also its many successes – it is this exact journey that has made me, me!

I’m realising I am the only me I’m gonna get and you know what, I’m pretty damned good at all this life stuff.

I’m still wondering my that person on hasn’t accepted my Facebook friend request though…

The F Word

November 19, 2016November 19, 2016 | blueskygirlie

*warning this post may have triggering effects linked to food or weight issues*

Hi, I’m Sarah and if you follow this blog you will know that I am a generally cheerful, confident, fun person. You will also probably know that I have lost a lot of weight (I was a size 20/22 at my largest) and have to work hard to stay a size 12 by trying to watch what I eat and running 5k three times a week. It is not easy.It has taken me quite a while to like myself again but my body image is still a constant struggle and this blog, in part, is a tool to embrace my flawed, curvy, 40plus figure as seen by my super critical eyes. I had a eating disorder as a teenager and still have a complicated relationship with food and my body – to try to help, I follow quite a few plus size bloggers, those who embrace their size, love their bodies and are part of the #effyourbeautystandards movement. I admire them and their confidence but I cannot feel like them sadly. Being morbidly obese was a prison sentence for me and although I seemed confident I suffered terribly from anxiety, was physically in a bad place with various aches and pains and I hated myself.

So why am I telling you all this?

Well last week during an arguement with a stranger (a man) I was called ‘fat’. I was also called a bitch, stupid, a ho and various other insults but ‘fat’ was the one that really hurt. It got under my skin and wounded me more then any other insult and it made me think – why do people still use it as a low blow insult? A word that is used to hurt and belittle, particularly towards women.

Forgetting the fact the man saying it looked like the back end of a bus (and was hardly an Olympian himself) once that word was said I felt awful, insecure, and yes, fat. I felt ugly. I felt weak. He had told me in his eyes I was…what? Unattractive to him? Not the perfect body shape? Imperfect? Erm – who cares! But sadly I did care.

At my sons school they are taught the word fat is a hate word, as abusive as a swear word or racial slur and if he hears me using it he tells me off. This gives me hope that using the word to attack and hurt and undermine will end with our generation.

Body confidence is hard – every time I go on a run I put myself out there. Dressed in skin tight lycra it is scary to exercise in front of the world. It not just the actual running that’s hard, its fear of being watched, insulted, maybe even hurt…I’d say pretty much every month I get catcalled by men in cars/lorries bleeping their horns etc – they seem to think thats a compliment. Doing it every other day, regardless of those fears takes guts.

So am I going to stop eating cake? Hell no! Not run in public? I’m fitter than I’ve ever been so, sorry, no. Starve myself for an ideal I can never reach, one that is perpetuated by photoshopped images anyway? My body has done amazing things – it carried a baby, it can run for miles, ticked amazing places and experiences off my bucket list, kept me fit and healthy and my boyfriend seems pretty keen on it too!

What I do need to do is make sure that my confidence in both my inner self and the body people can see (and judge) is greater than any throwaway line or joke. I need to hear the words when the people who care about me tell me I am beautiful and loved and perfect in their eyes. NO-ONE male or female has the right to make you feel bad about the way you look…and the key is knowing they are not just wrong, but that they are the weak ones, the insecure ones, the ones that truly hate themselves. I need to remind myself of this statement –

So another pathetic human being goes on their way thinking they’ve won because they have said some throw away insult which is not based on anything apart from wanting to hurt. But you know what? People like that will never break me – I am more than words, more than their twisted ideals, more than their insecurites – I AM ME…AND AM PRETTY DARN FABULOUS!!!Find my blogs on my fitness and running here, here and here.

All photos via my Instagram – blueskygirlie

International Womens Day 2016

March 8, 2016 | blueskygirlie

Something I wrote on Facebook earlier…

Today is International Women’s day.

Do we need it? Hmm, let me think for a minute. In my life every month via my social media I get unwanted advances and dick pics, at work I am called honey/darling etc and told how pretty I am despite being cleverer with a better career history than any of the men around me, in my life I have been the victim of sexual assault and each time I was made to feel I had ‘asked for it’ and I cant even go for a run without being beeped at by men in cars and lorries. Hey, skin tight lycra just asks for sexist cat calling, right?

It is still illegal to get an abortion without getting the permission of 2 doctors, our newspapers are full of topless or lingerie wearing pouting glamour models, porn showing violence to women (and loving it) is de rigueur, women are paid around 25% less than men in the same job and only 20% of FTSE250 companies board members are female.

Do we need it? We appear to be in a retrograde time – feminism as a cause is struggling to prevail having almost become a dirty word and womens rights across the globe have become more and more restricted.

So yes, yes we need it!

Whats your thoughts?

Sarah

International Womens Day

March 8, 2015March 8, 2015 | blueskygirlie

So today, 8th March 2015 is International Womens Day. A day to celebrate being female – to be proud to be a woman, a feminist, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a lover and a friend.

To remember the women who came before us and fought for us and our rights. And the women who taught us, nurtured us and loved us. The ones who continue to inspire us to be better human beings whether we are male or female.

Do we need days like today? I’ll be honest, part of me finds it slightly patronising – the fact there is a yearly ‘day’ separates us and thats part of the issue. I doubt there would be much noise about an International Mens Day. But ultimately days like this are about empowerment, knowledge and creating change and that can’t be a bad thing. Lets remember, women are still oppressed throughout the world, earn less than men and are subject to physical and sexual violence. There is still sexism in many workplaces and as women we are still judged mainly on our appearance.

Feminism has become a dirty word recently but ultimately it is all about equality for all – not that men are bad or women are better (or vice versa). The below quote sums it up for me –

So for me, today is being proud of being a woman, supporting other women and continuing to fight for equality where there is none. To feel lucky I was bought up by a strong, intelligent woman, who in turn had a strong woman as her mother. To feel lucky I grew up believing I could be anything I wanted to be. And to be proud of the woman I am now – I revel in my femininity, love to dress up and be pretty. I embrace my sexual power and use to it my advantage. Does that make me a weak woman? No – its who I am and I am proud of that! I am also strong, articulate, confident and full of opinions!!!

But for me –

Lets make every day our day – only we can seize the many different opportunities that present themselves and that takes bravery. We are women – hear us roar!!!

Sarah xx

All images sourced via http://www.Instagram.com